I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with an ache in my belly. I used to think the feeling was hunger after not having eaten for six or eight hours. But as I get older I recognize the sensation as “different appetite.” At times it is easy to identify in connection with a creative project or trying to figure out how to handle a challenging situation. And other times it just shows up, an anxious bedfellow without fingers pointing in a particular direction.
For me it is easy to want to jump into action, as I find longing has momentum behind it. I feel all the build-up so I obsess about the project or relationship, trying to figure it out. Not that the late night ponderings unravel its source, but the energy is there so it seems natural to use it. When I step back, I realize the energy is hungry, looking for something to consume or settle to feel satiated. Often, it is energy without ground, creating a bit of havoc in my nervous system and awakening the need to react.
Lately, I have been attempting to peel back a layer to understand what is behind the longing. Is it the desire to feel connected to something? Is it the feeling of purpose related to process and completion? Or is it just an attempt to handle a level of anxiety and discomfort inherent in my system?
It feels appropriate to approach the hunger in an inquisitive way. How can I get to know that part of myself that is longing and hungry for something? When it shows up can I just work on being with it rather than jumping consciously to what the root of it is? It is interesting when I trace back to the source of the energy. In a relationship it could trying to prove that I am right or the energy behind a project comes from needing to do what I think I am supposed to do. From here I can at least access what is right action or if it is time to move. In this space I can align with the my infinitely creative boundless self.